I finished a chapter last week. I allowed myself to have a moment, then a longer moment afterwards. Last weekend saw my life end up in a storage unit while an apartment full of memories was handed over.
I cried more in that apartment over the last 6 or so months than I’ve cried anywhere else throughout my entire life. I absolutely loved that apartment. It was clean, modern and bright. It was me. I fell in love in that apartment, I got engaged while living there, and I fell pregnant there. I also had my heart broken to pieces there. I was sad to let it go and walk away, but it had to be done.
Moving out in the end wasn’t a choice; it was forced upon me. But I was still nervous about it. Still not sure that overall I was (am) doing the right thing. The doubts are getting less now, but they still make their presence known.
I sat down on the floor by the kitchen last Sunday afternoon and let the tears flow. I’d fought them the day before when Emma and the kids were there, but I needed to have them. So I let them flow. I told myself that this was simply a chapter ending, not the final ending. My next chapter is about to start, and it’s going to be epic.
When telling Fiona that I had a cry, I told her how I was self-soothing and not beating myself up for crying – quite the accomplishment from a few months ago – I also mentioned that I had cried more there than anywhere else.
She asked me why I had cried there, was it about Gary, about the baby, about the apartment? I had to pause and really think about it. I knew I was sad, but not sure what I was specifically sad about. It was all built up into one big sadness. As great as the apartment was, I didn’t utilise it enough, I rarely had friends over and as amazing as the balcony was, I almost never sat outside.
I had allowed myself to get completely caught up in a life with Gary, a life that was – in hindsight – never going to eventuate or last. I loved having him there, making dinner and lunch and going out. But I had made my life about him and what we would do next. I didn’t spend enough time with my friends; I didn’t have them visit anywhere near enough. There aren’t enough memories of my girls in that apartment.
This was a chapter that needed to end. Last weekend was emotionally and physically draining and again, I wanted to do it all on my own. I did argue with myself about asking dad for help, but in the end, I desperately needed it.
My friends are amazing creatures. None of them would hesitate, or have hesitated, when I’ve needed them. I’m not sure why I don’t ask for more, I’m always offering myself and doing what I can. Why don’t I do the same in reverse? Exposing my vulnerabilities only makes me human. My friends are human, so why can’t I be?
I have three days left at work. Jess gives me an angry stare whenever I mention the countdown; she’s grown attached to me. My time there has been exactly what I needed for this period. Jess and Rachael are so beautiful and I am so glad to have met them. So quickly we became friends and their support and genuine care for me has been unexpected, yet so appreciated.
I’m looking forward to Wednesday, but also dreading it a little. As I joked to Jess, it’s the last time I’m getting paid. But finishing work will mark a further ending in this chapter. While this next chapter will be epic and fun and exciting and full of the world, it is still quite daunting to turn that page.