Confessions

I have a confession to make; I need to be really honest.

Against my better judgement and all echelons of common sense I possess, I continued to converse with him. He is still blocked on messenger and I haven’t become friends with him again – although he did send me a request.

We were emailing. Note ‘were’. I have stopped and deleted… at last.

I think the following morning after I blocked him, I woke up and there was a friend request from him. I deleted it and moved on. Then I get an email from him – ‘why did you block me?’

My immediate reaction was ‘why the hell do you think, dick head?’ Instead, I took time and wrote him an email telling him that I was done. That I couldn’t continue to receive messages from him, that I didn’t deserve any of that and that he was ruining my time away, I would get anxious about seeing a message from him when I got back online. I then attached a pdf of our conversation – which I had titled ‘dick head comments’.

I was brutally honest in there and said I couldn’t keep going on. He needed to move on as he clearly hadn’t and I needed to be free of him. He replied to say that he still loved me, but that there was nothing he could do as I’d made up my mind. I fell for it, and went back to say that if he wants something, he needs to fight for it, not give up on things so easily. If he wanted me, he needed to work hard on it and convince me.

He then sends an email listing what he loved about me and things he didn’t. I responded to each point – being honest all the way. I asked him to elaborate on some points, but he didn’t. He told me about his plans for going to college and other bits and piece and said he liked that I was having a good time. In one email, he asked me if I was sleeping with boys. I deliberately didn’t answer that. If I am sleeping with boys, it has nothing to do with him. As per his dick head comments, he was going out with girls, so why should he care what I’m doing?

I did find that he would come back and talk about non-related items, or tell me more about his circumstances, but he never answered my questions. I asked him if he was actually reading what I’d sent, and if so, why not answering them. Apparently I asked too many questions and it confused him.

He then apologised if any of his comments had upset me. I told him that they had absolutely angered me and I wanted to know where it had all come from. He replied that he was simply in a funny mood. I told him that wasn’t good enough; I needed more. He didn’t answer. I went back again and asked and he then said he’d already elaborated.

Whatever.

That is my last, and final, email to him. I tried to include him in things, provide openings and tell him what my travel plans were and what I’d been up to. Yet he still can’t be honest with me. I am absolutely done.

As much as I feel for him – his dad is having heart surgery and he’s now apparently pursuing the army for hearing loss and PTSD (big jump from not willing to consider an admission of depression) – but I can’t help him. I am no longer required to do so. He alone is responsible for him.

Whatever.

It’s not a word that I like to use, it is too blasé and extremely lacking in respect, but it has to be that way.

I’ll confess that I did keep having wonderings in the back of my head, what if… will he… will I… can we make it work? But I know in my head of heads that we can’t. He needs to be a changed man, and even if he is or does, he won’t be the guy I fell in love with but he will still always be the guy who deserted me, who disrespected me and spoke extremely horribly to me. Why on earth should I hope and wonder about a future with someone like that?

I am trying my best to have an amazing time away and am so far succeeding brilliantly, albeit with the bumps of contact with him. But no more bumps. Not anymore. I don’t wish him or his family any ill will, but I do wish him away from me.

Wow. I think I truly do. He’s not my first love, but he was my first fiancé, my first live in partner and the first to get me pregnant. But he won’t be the last – I deserve better. I will find better. But I’ll only find better once he is away.

I’ll confess something… there’s always going to be a part of me that will want him to suddenly appear out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet.

I’ll confess something else… I’m glad I finally said whatever.

 

 

What am I doing?

I’m currently having a ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ moment. I had an amazing time yesterday, enjoyed the water fight that Thai New Year (Songkran) is known for and even got into it today.

But right now, I’m back at my hostel sitting on my bed and wondering what I’m doing. I booked myself for four nights here in Chiang Mai to ensure I’d be here for all of the New Year festivities (three day experience) and have now booked another four nights at another hostel. I didn’t really know what to expect here, and all I’d really heard about Chiang Mai was to go trekking with the hill tribes.

I’ve since learnt that this is one of the largest cities of Thailand, that Songkran goes especially off here and that there are also lots of elephant sanctuaries, adrenalin activities and cooking classes to do. So, where do I start?

I’ve been pretty good with not getting overwhelmed the past eight weeks and have been taking my time getting to places, finding a vibe I like and sticking with it. I think what happened is that I got too settled in with Tatum. We met in Hanoi, did separate short trips away and then travelled together for a couple of weeks. We’re now heading in different directions and I miss having that company, the familiarity.

Yesterday I caught up with Alex, a guy I used to work with. He’s based in Bangkok but was here for work and extended to be here for New Year. I had so much fun hanging with him, getting into water fights and just chilling. I actually had a couple of surreal moments, where I couldn’t really comprehend that I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand, with Alex whom I used to work with in Melbourne. I was there in the middle of an epic water fight, something that would never happen back home and I was having an amazing time.

Apart from just having the company of a friend, it was nice to have the familiarity of work, him knowing my history there and being able to talk about people without having to explain who was who or the significance. I love spending time with new people, getting to know them and sharing myself, but I’m still quite reserved. With Alex, there was none of that, except for what happened with Gary. He was polite enough to not ask about the engagement break off. When I went back to work last year after getting engaged, he was the first to come and give me a big congratulatory hug.

He did ask why I decided to travel, and I didn’t go into the details, just gave the basic overview: last year was a great year, then a sucky year and then my apartment was put up for sale. I wasn’t hugely engaged with my new job and needed to change things up. Whilst I have told a few people about what happened with Gary, it didn’t seem right to go into that yesterday and I don’t want to dwell on it.

But now, I’m just not quite as happy as I was yesterday. I don’t want to pretend and I don’t really feel up to putting in the effort of being social. This hostel is great and if I were feeling differently I’d absolutely love it. The dorms are awesome, it’s a mini private room within a dorm so I’m getting some privacy and space and the mattress is actually a mattress, rather than a foam pad.

It’s the vibe that I can’t get into. It may be that it’s much more party centric due to Songkran, and I knew that coming in. I tried to engage this morning. I got myself kitted up in my water-gun backpack and joined in the fight with the hostel across the street. I got drenched and succeeded in drenching others. I chatted to a few people, but after a couple of hours, I wasn’t feeling it anymore. Apart from wanting to enjoy myself here, I do want to experience more of the Thai culture and New Year celebrations.

Alex and I spent the afternoon in the main street watching the parade and fighting with the passing tourists and locals, forming alliances and just having a great time. It was so much more interactive. Hostel against hostel and the handful of locals that came through the street just wasn’t right.

So I walked to the main street alone and got shot at, shot at others and enjoyed myself. I was however craving someone to share this with. I always knew that my biggest struggle on this trip was going to be meeting new people and engaging with them. In the end, I didn’t struggle in Vietnam and loved it. I can’t be too hard now; I have only been in Thailand for two nights. But I don’t know. I’m just not feeling it.

I have a lot of buts written through here. I’m good at justifying things, so a but always works well for me. But now, I need to just get out of my head and join in the fun. Get some dinner, come back and start drinking with everyone. Do the tourist-y thing and get hammered in Chiang Mai for Songkran.

What am I doing here? Right now, feeling sorry for myself for not having any friends and not doing anything about it. In the long run, I’m here to have fun and enjoy life and gain any sort of experience that I can. Songkran may be a once in a lifetime experience for me, so I need to get the hell out of my dorm and join the hell in with it.

Stop wondering and just do it. I’m here to travel through it; to work through it. So bloody well do it.