It comes down to trust

It’s about trust. I’m starting to get some trust back and it’s making me think that perhaps I am far too trusting. I don’t question enough and perhaps I’m a little too easy going, willing to just go with the flow.

I’m trying to get things sorted before I go away, which included getting a pap smear. No biggie, we’ve all got to get them and it’s a part of being a grown woman, an ‘adult’. My GP suggested the Compass Trial; I fell in the right range to take part, meaning that there would be an extra test and if all was well, then I’d likely only have to get checked every five years instead of every two. I wasn’t going to be out of pocket, so I told her I’d go for it.

Well, last week I had a missed call from the doctor’s office and then a text message asking me to call them to make an appointment. I made the appointment and confirmed that my GP did request to see me, even though she had told me that the results are usually mailed out.

I called mum and a letter had arrived there due to my mail redirection. She read it out, and it said there was something out of the ordinary in the results and to make an appointment. It also included a brochure with further information. I didn’t really take it all in. Mum said that she’s had similar results before and it just meant that she had to go back in twelve months, rather than wait the two years.

So I had the appointment and had a vague idea of what my doctor would say. One set of results was fine, but there had been changes since my last test and indicated the presence of high-risk HPV DNA types. However, it wasn’t 16/18, which is the bad high risk. I need to go back in twelve months and was told that things will likely resolve itself. If this eventuates into cancer, it’s very slow moving and can be treated.

She mentioned a lot of other things which I didn’t really take in, something about there being an infection, but it not being classified as an STD, even though it is sexually transmitted, that treatment can include removing some of the cervix and then she said some other things. Again, not a lot sunk in. I think this can be quite serious, but at the time I was putting my trust in her when she was telling me that I’m okay and it shouldn’t be anything to worry about.

I was a little nervous in the lead up to the appointment, I mentioned to Rachael that I had to go in for a follow up, and she was quite casual about it so I kind of clung to that. I did feel out of sorts a little after the appointment and mentioned a little of it to Alison. I just wanted to talk about it. But it just wasn’t quite right.

It’s been hovering at the back of my mind since. I’m just not understanding enough, but am trusting that it will all be fine. Thankfully I’m seeing Manda on Friday. I can talk to Manda about anything.

My doctor also saying about it being sexually transmitted; I’ll admit, I am truly naïve about all of this. That’s why I see professionals. It’s all on them, they tell me what to do or what to worry about. But then I’m also thinking that this is because of Gary. He’s the only one I’ve had unprotected sex with, so this is on him. I trusted him and look where it got me.

I’m sure this will be fine. It’s all procedure and why we get regular check-ups. But what else can be thrown at me? Just as I was starting to feel positive, actually feel happy and looking forward to a great future, this comes up. I did ask if the miscarriage could have lead to any of this, but no. Fertility won’t be affected, so really, there’s nothing to worry about. I just need to trust my doctor.

I do trust her. I just don’t trust me. I trust everyone else, quickly, easily and with few questions asked. Gary asked me a few times if I trusted him, to which I responded yes each time. He seemed surprised, asked if I thought he could physically hurt me (looking back now, that is quite odd and a warning sign). I told him that he would have been capable of it, but I trusted that he wouldn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have allowed him to move in nor would I have been with him.

Talking with Fiona last week, she mentioned how I am quick to forgive. I did forgive Gary very quickly after he doubted me and after he abandoned me when I needed him most. I need to question things more. If I’m not sure of something or really can’t take it in, I need to slow down and ask questions. I’ve always known that I don’t ask enough questions at the time – I’ve really only thought about it from a work perspective, interviews etc. I worked on that and when going into meetings or on calls, I have questions on the go. Why haven’t I done that in my personal life? I trust quickly and easily. I need to question more and allow time for trust to be built.

I do need to be more stringent with who and what I trust. Of course, I’ve been seeing my GP for two years now and am comfortable with her, she is absolutely someone that I can and should trust. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask more questions. I need to stop being so willing to accept things and move on. A lot in life really is about trust, giving and taking it. Trust is precious and deserves to be questioned. It’s not bad to trust, but be sure that you trust the right people.

I’ve got some work to do with trusting myself. This trip will help me do that; I’ll have no one but myself to trust and rely on. I don’t need to question myself any further though – I am looking out for me and my best interests. I can and will trust myself.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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