Things are falling into place. Not all things, but some things. I’ve given official notice at work, I’ve got a storage cage booked, a moving company arranged and given my estate agent notice to move out. I’m house-sitting at Alison’s then hanging around a little longer and I’ve got going away drinks booked in.
Now to actually get a flight booked, book a hostel and arrange a visa for Vietnam. Figure out where to go, what to do and when to do it. Just the small things left to go really.
Dad came round this afternoon to take some of my stuff, they’ve taken my dining table and chairs and now even my spare bed. He asked me if I was doing the right thing. I’d actually been dreading him coming, even though I needed my stuff gone. I don’t know if it is with me or them, but I’m really struggling to talk to mum, dad and Donna. I have no issues talking to anyone else, but those three; I just freeze up and go numb.
I told dad that I didn’t know. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Am I throwing away my life, my stability, my house deposit all for nothing? Am I just running away and hoping that a change of scenery will result in a change of life, mindset and prospects? I really don’t know. I do know that I can’t stay here any longer.
As I was leaving mum and dad’s after Christmas, dad and I were alone briefly. He started off by saying he didn’t know if he should say something (hint – if you’re not sure if you should say something, you probably shouldn’t), but he’d go ahead anyway. He asked if I was travelling to meet up with Gary. He said he knew we were still close (not sure how he knows / why he thinks that). I turned myself off again and tried to go numb. I said that I was going to Asia, Gary was in New Zealand and I was actually trying to convince him to go back to England. We left if there and I drove off.
I actually really enjoy talking to Gary, keeping in touch with him. He’s still someone that I feel I’m more honest and open with than most others. I don’t try and pretend with him, if I’m down I tell him and move on; if I think he’s being a dick, I’ll tell him. If I need to laugh, I laugh. I do however find it difficult to tell others that I’m in touch with him. Fiona asked me why I still talk to him. I just do. Yes, he broke my heart and spoke to me horribly, but I’m also the most me when I’m speaking with him.
Anyway, the frustrating thing with dad asking if I was travelling for Gary was the lack of consideration for everything else I’ve been through. Yes, Gary’s played a part in my depression and need for a change, but the biggest thing affecting me now is the miscarriage. I still so desperately want to be a mum and I was, for seven weeks. And had this gone through, I’d be giving birth next month. I can’t be here, in this apartment, alone, next month.
For a family that is so apparently across depression, they sure are clueless about it and how to help others who are suffering. Even today, dad brings up other stuff to do with others. I’m barely able to cope with me and my own emotions, he should be able to see this, yet he still brings up other things. Not only does he bring them up, but he does so knowing that I don’t want to deal with them or hear about them. He again starts off with ‘I know you don’t want to know…’
I’ve always been someone who lets the little things get to me; I let them pile up until I can’t take it anymore. I’m working on not letting the little things get to me, either moving on or addressing them at the time. But with mum and dad, I just can’t. I still expect them to know or at least have a think about how things may be making me feel and to allow me to think about only me for a bit.
So yes, I’m running away. No, I don’t know if this is the right thing. But I am going. I’m getting away. Away from what should be happening in February, away from the loneliness, away from my family. Away from me. Things are starting to falling into place. Not everything, but some things. I need to keep on this track and allow other things to fall into place.