Accepting my moments

So it’s been awhile. No, I haven’t slipped into a summer hibernation, no I’m not suddenly feeling better. I’m still not the best of me and I’m certainly not even close to my normal me. After my sick day, the doctor I saw recommended I touch base with my usual GP and also see my psychologist again.

We did briefly talk about going on medication. I’m not keen on it – I don’t want to be reliant on anything. I also feel that what I’m going through is small fry – inconsequential to so many others and really not in need of medication. While he didn’t change my mind and didn’t prescribe me anything, he did say that going on meds isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The overall message I’ve taken away is that when an organ is unwell, you take something to help it get better. Well, the brain is an organ, and right now, with me not being me, it isn’t in the best shape.

I said I’d discuss with my GP and I haven’t shied away from it. When I saw her, we brought it up. I said that I have up moments and down moments, and then my eyes filled up. I can’t get away from them. I told her my plans to travel and hoped that would help; she said to monitor over the next month and see how it goes. So I’m back to see her in a couple of weeks.

Chatting with my psychologist last week, I was in a slightly up mood; not the highest I’ve been, but certainly not in a bad moment. Seems quite typical really, make appointments when at the moment, I don’t quite need them. But we did cut through and again, my eyes filled up. Seems I have some anger towards mum and dad.

For my birthday, I’d told Manda that I was fine not seeing my family, but I wanted at least a card and perhaps some flowers. I got neither. Emma rang me twice so I was able to speak to all the kiddies, Donna rang once and I got a Facebook message and video from mum and dad. That was my birthday acknowledgement from immediate family.

Mel took me out for dinner and told me that I expect too much. Which I’ve realised that I do. I expect others to put in the effort I put in with them, but I don’t ask for it. Especially with family, I expect they should just know, be mindful of the effort I would extend and return the favour I’d shown them. Of course I wasn’t going to get flowers – I hadn’t asked and I’ve not got them before. Just because they were on the other side of the country didn’t suddenly mean they’d do something out of the ordinary. But still, it hurt.

We had our family Christmas party the weekend before Christmas. It was the first time I’d be seeing my aunts and cousins since I’d announced my engagement. They all know what has happened, mum saw to that. I did need a moment however. My cousin has just announced her pregnancy, she’s about 14-16 weeks now I think. Mum had told me so it wasn’t a shock to see her little bump, but it hurt. We gave each other a Merry Christmas and I added a ‘congratulations’, but it seemed to make her uncomfortable. She kind of shrugged it off and we didn’t speak again for the day. I don’t want her to be hiding her news from me, I want her to be happy and excited for what she’s going through. But I also really want that for me.

So I took my moment during the day and Aunty Joan caught me. She gave me a cuddle and told me it was okay to be sad at times, but not be sad all the time. I appreciated the gesture and that she was there for a cuddle – I’d been sitting alone with my sunglasses on. She told Uncle Mick, as when we were saying our byes, he gave me an extra hug and tight squeeze. From this, I’m annoyed that it was Aunty Joan and Uncle Mick who saw what I needed. Not my own mother and father.

Fiona asked me what I’m doing to self-soothe when I get upset and have my moments. I’d not really been doing anything. I get frustrated with myself for having a moment and crying. I did hug a cushion the day before the party, so I told her that. She told me I need to do more and not get angry with myself.

I feel additionally annoyed with myself as it’s now been five months since the miscarriage and I was only pregnant for such a short time. She pointed out that it’s not the duration of the event, it’s the significance that it holds. Being pregnant and engaged is pretty significant. Even if just for a short while, they are extremely significant. And having a moment, needing to cry, they’re just letting the emotions come out and clear. I shouldn’t be angry with them, or me, but rather allow the moments to come and wait for them to pass, which they will.

I went home for Christmas and had a moment getting my things together. I ended up on my bed, hugging my teddy bears. I ended up packing them both – they would be my soothers. I did use them before going to sleep Christmas Eve – I fell asleep with tears down my cheeks and Ted and Simba clasped tightly in my arms. Since coming home, I’ve been waiting for more moments and almost had one this morning. Instead of getting annoyed, I told myself it was fine. The emotions need to come out and it was normal and natural. I reminded myself I had my bed and Ted and Simba. The moment passed and my eyes remained dry.

I know things will get better and I have a long way to go. But if I accept my moments, learn to soothe myself and let them happen, they’ll be shorter and slightly more bearable. I won’t keep getting frustrated with myself.

I’ve still got issues to work through and so many plans to make, but for now, I survived Christmas and my birthday. They’re the worst, surely things can only get better from here?

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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