Answers…. or not

I’ve been feeling down again. Not too sure what’s going on with me but I felt like I needed a cry most of the weekend. Tears eluded me, but the feeling has stuck around. I did cry a little on Saturday night watching TV; the character finally gave birth and held a little girl in her arms – it nearly broke me. She wasn’t a main character and I wasn’t particularly invested in her, but it cut through.

It really took me by surprise how much it affected me. I had thought I was doing okay, but I guess not. It just goes to show that I do need to be away from everything in February.

Gary and I have stayed in touch, we seemed to be chatting nearly every day. Me going to New Zealand was coming up more and more. Gary talked about getting a three-bedroom house by the beach and renting out two of the bedrooms. I commented that we were supposed to be sharing a room, to which he responded that yes, I’d sleep on the floor and he’d be on the bed.

We talked a bit about plans over there; he’d got himself a car and I said he’d have to pick me up from the airport when I arrived and told him he had to look after it for when I do get there. I said it’d be nice to have someone look after me for a change – he asked what I meant by that (it was quite obvious to me!). As much as we had all this chatter, we never really discussed what me going to New Zealand would be. I did comment once that I had suggested that before we got engaged, that we should go there as I could work without issue and see how things ended up. I guess I wanted to point out that I was right.

Finally last week I put it to him and asked what his thoughts were. I didn’t want to put pressure on him, or me, but I wanted to know what he wanted. He told me to chill. I just asked if he wanted us to try again, was he open to it? I didn’t get an answer, which really should be an answer in itself. He ended up telling me that I said I didn’t want pressure, yet asking was putting pressure on. Perhaps me mentioning that we stay celibate until we see each other pushed him over the edge. (haha)

Things backed off for a bit and I couldn’t help but feel that I’d scared him off. I told him that I’d told my family about travelling, but I had neglected to tell them that I wanted to go to NZ. This was a conscious decision by me – it was hard enough saying I wanted to travel, let alone say that I was putting myself up for potentially more hurt and pain. A couple of days ago Gary messaged me and said that he ‘thinks it’s best I come for a holiday first’. I asked him what he meant and it took a day for him to respond with more confusion. He asked if I was going to NZ for him.

I replied that I was travelling for me – that I was doing what I wanted for me. We then chatted and I asked him to elaborate. He said he didn’t want me to give up everything – primarily my job – and then not like it over there. Again I said that I was travelling for me and it was about me. I’ve made my mind up about work and travelling, this is not just about him and NZ. I asked him what he’d do if he were me?

There were of course some very interesting ideas that came out, the main one being that I should pursue my British passport and travel the world. Spend time in NZ, go to Europe and England, work and then go to Canada and work my way down to Argentina. My concern is the cost of the passport – it’s about £1,100. Pounds. Great British Pounds. While I do have some savings behind me, that is a big chunk for a non-guarantee of work.

I have started thinking more about my trip and I’m still confused about him and NZ. So perhaps it’s best that I do a couple of months in Asia; Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos first. Then come back to Melbourne for the theatre (I’ve booked tickets for Manda, Alison and I to see Aladdin), head to NZ, see how it goes then maybe head towards Europe. It does seem backwards, but it gives me a way out. I can always get a job over there and it’s not far.

I suggested that he should go home for his sister’s wedding, spend a few weeks there then on his way back, stop in Asia and we could spend some time there, then I could go back to NZ with him. Logically, it makes at least some sense.

More than anything else,however, it gives me a chance to see what may happen. Or not happen. He hasn’t given me anything that he sees or wants a future with me. Yet I still can’t shut it off. All the answers I’m not getting are giving me the answers I need; yet I’m still drawn in. My travels are absolutely all about me and for me. I need to remember that – this is for me and me alone.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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