I’m doing it

I’m doing it. I’m taking 2017 head on and I’m going to make it mine. I’ve told more friends and the family that I’m travelling and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me.

Except me.

No. Not me. I am and I will do this. I need to stop going inside my head and allowing it to keep holding me back. I could be doing so much better at pole dancing if I just shut up and went with the flow. I could have already booked an epic adventure and be off next week if I didn’t get in my head so much.

I am doing this. I am taking 2017 by the scruff of the neck and I am finding myself. I can’t keep on the way that I am. Was it Einstein that said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over again and expecting different results? Well, that’s what I’ve been doing. No more.

I had my last appointment with my psychologist and she happened to catch me on a good day. I was upbeat, feeling happy and had just made the decision to travel. She told me to jump on it and asked why I was worried about telling my family and work. I was worried about them – she told me not to be, this needs to be and is all about me. I need to do what is right for me, not for anyone else.

I haven’t told work yet – as I’m still in my probation period, I am only required to give a week’s notice, but I’m worried that if I tell them soon, they may just ask me to leave straight away, and there goes another couple of months’ income. But I also feel like I’m betraying them by possibly just springing it on them and leaving them in the lurch. I do like my workplace, they are friendly, supportive and just all round a great bunch of people to work for, and the company itself does seem to genuinely care about its employees. But the job itself, it’s just not for me. The industry hasn’t captured me and the role isn’t enough of a challenge. When Louise returns from maternity leave, I don’t see there being enough work for four of us on the team. And I don’t want to hang around until April.

When I was telling Donna about my plans to travel, I said I wanted to leave by the end of January. She thinks I should wait a bit longer, why did I have January in my mind, was there something that was giving me that timeframe. I told her there wasn’t, but I just didn’t want to wait. I said that I’d be disowned if I wasn’t here for Christmas, so January it was.

When catching up with Mel yesterday, I told her of my plans and again, the timeframe came up. January came to mind initially due to the timeframe with my apartment going on the market and possible settlement period – end of January. But in addition to that, I don’t want to be around in February. I need to be on a social media blackout and away from everyone and everything in February. I’m getting teary again now just thinking about what February is for so many people and what it should have been for me.

I can’t be here in February. I can’t.

I found out yesterday that my apartment has been sold, a week before the auction, and that it was being bought by an owner-occupier, and so I would be required to move out. Turns out I was right in my pre-planning. I need to get official dates but January it is.

I drove around the city on Wednesday night; I had dinner with T and got some moving boxes from her. I drove over the West Gate Bridge to get to her place from work – the first time I’d personally driven over it. It was gorgeous, seeing the bay to the right and the city to the left. Then on my drive home, I took City Link and went over the Bolte Bridge, rather than driving through the city. I found myself getting quite emotional – Melbourne is such a beautiful city, especially at night. I found myself missing it – not just from not going in every day for work, but also at the prospect of leaving it for possibly a year.

I need to do this and I will do this. Regardless of where I go and what I do, this is all about me. Not anyone else, this is about and for me. I will not apologise for any decisions I make, or try and explain myself to anyone who disagrees with me or can’t understand what I’m doing and why. 2017 is for me. 2016 was all about learning and now 2017 is about putting those lessons into practice, turning my mind off and discovering myself.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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