Tell me what to do

So, maybe I should just start embracing feeling miserable? I feel good, then I feel down, then I feel okay, then I feel down and for the most, I think really, I just feel miserable.

I miss the times when the feeling good lasted longer and was more frequent than the not feeling good. I miss feeling somewhat in control of my life and knowing what I wanted. I miss not feeling lonely, sad and confused all rolled up into one.

I haven’t cried in awhile. I did shed tears when Gary was here – they just popped up out of nowhere, we were just sitting on the couch chatting and my eyes welled up. I blamed it on onions – just as Gary had the night before. But this whole weekend, I feel like I’ve needed to let myself go and just bawl. Allow huge, gut wrenching sobs to escape my body; feel the tears stream down my face and my stomach clench with each breath I take.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have Gary stay with me that week; perhaps I should have been strong and just agreed to a dinner catch up. I don’t know. It did feel right seeing him, spending that time together. But now that he’s gone (again), I’m feeling worse again. We’ve chatted a few times and we get along fine. But I find myself wanting more and simply not getting it.

I sent him a selfie last weekend, and he responded with ‘You look beautiful Laura ’. I know I looked good, which is why I sent the selfie. But I felt even better getting that response from him. He’s been liking some of my pics on Facebook, so he’s thinking about me at random times. But I need more – and I think I’m likely just setting myself up for something that won’t ever happen.

I told him that I was thinking of up and leaving – travelling and taking some time off. England came up, and me getting my British passport. I said that there was no point going to England, as he wasn’t there. I got a genuine ‘awww’. I brought up New Zealand, tried to put the feelers out there. He said he couldn’t tell me to quit and leave everything here to go over there. Fair enough, that’s a big burden for anyone. While he didn’t shy away from the idea, he also didn’t respond in the way I’d hoped for.

On another call, we were talking about him getting a job and it came up that I’d quite possibly very easily get a job over there. It may not pay huge amounts and won’t be particularly stimulating, but it would be somewhere else. But do I want to do this for me, or for the chance that there could be an ‘us’?

I’m not used to feeling so lost and confused. I want a family, I want my own children and I want to be a mum. But I want so much more right now. I want to be younger so I have ‘time’ to do things; I want love and happiness and self-worth. I want to know what I want.

It would be great if I could get someone else to make my decisions for me. Someone to simply say yes – pack up your things, book a flight and go to NZ. Don’t worry about the money, you’ll earn more. Don’t worry about the future, it will happen, things will work out. Don’t worry about not having kids now – there’s still time.

I hate that I still feel so many responsibilities; that I feel like I should be a true ‘grown up’ and think about things like the future and money and settling down. I know that they say your 30s are the new 20s, but 40 is a lot harder than 30.

I saw my bestie on Tuesday; I brought up spending the week with Gary. I know she didn’t approve, but she didn’t say it, just wanted to ensure that I was okay and not setting myself up for more hurt. I spoke with Emma briefly on Friday as well and again, she too wasn’t impressed. It was T’s birthday yesterday and as I was leaving, I told her I’d spent time with Gary and she didn’t really hold back – said that he only wanted to stay with me so he could have a place to stay, it was more convenience for him to stay with me, didn’t matter that he paid for pretty much everything. It was still all about him.

These three people are incredibly important to me, and they never met Gary. Emma met him once, when we announced our engagement. T and Manda never met him. For such important people in my life, why didn’t they meet the man who I had believed to be my one true love? Was that him or me? He met mum, dad and Donna numerous times and Alison a couple, Mel once. Was I really that much all about him when we were together?

I need to outright ask him the questions. While it may hurt, it will give me closure – closure that I thought I’d obtained when he was here. Some of his values, his victim mentality, his laziness and self-obsession, they all grind on me. When I talk to him these things and others annoy me – I recognize this, yet I still think fondly of him and wonder ‘what if’.

I do need to run away; I’m stuck in a big rut and I need to get out of it. I got rid of some books and clothes last week, now it’s time for me to get rid of more things and evaluate what I need, not just what I want or like having around me, but what I need.

Better yet, someone just tell me what the hell to do and I’ll do it.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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