The thing is, I’m now not so sure of what I want. I still have this huge urge inside me to be a mum, to have my own children and bring them up. But I also want … I just don’t know.
Gary asked me why I wanted to be a mum, why I wanted to have kids. I said I didn’t really know, I just knew it inside me. I can’t explain the feeling or the reasoning. It’s just something I have and I know that I so desperately want.
Before he came to stay with me, I asked him to read the letter to my baby post. I think he read other posts as well, which is fine. He told me that reading the blog upset him, but he didn’t elaborate further. I wasn’t too sure if he’d read it, but he did say something about me wanting to have named the baby Lily.
I told him that I was thinking of going ahead with plans to be a mum, go through sperm donor next year. He asked how he could send his stuff over from NZ; pretty much be my donor. I asked if he wanted me to have his kids, to which he said that I almost did. He asked me the same and I responded with the same. We didn’t talk about the baby any further.
I will be honest here and say that I had a deep secret hope inside me that he’d get me pregnant during his visit. I did and do question some of his choices, but he would be a good dad. My cycles haven’t been regular throughout my life, except when on the pill. I was averaging around six to eight-weekly before getting pregnant. But since the miscarriage, I’ve been four to five-weekly. Had I been on the six weekly cycle, when he visited I would have been ovulating, so ripe for making a baby. But that wasn’t the case and instead for our last two nights together, I had my period and I tried to keep the disappointment buried inside me.
Gary did tell me that I do have another ten years to have kids; that I shouldn’t rush into it now. This is what my psychologist is telling me as well. I know this is true, but I also know that it will be harder the older I get and I just don’t want to be an old mum. I want to be able to be physically active with my children; I want to have grandchildren and see them all grow up. But now I am wondering if this is the right thing for me.
Beating alongside my desire to have children is now a growing desire to get out there and do something else. Spend some time on me and perhaps go travelling again. I need to mix things up and experience more again.
I’ve just found out that my landlord is selling the apartment I rent. It may end up being bought by an investor, in which case I have nothing to worry about. But an owner-occupier could buy it, in which case, I would need to move out. This has added to me thinking about change and running away.
The things stopping me are the responsibility I feel to stay here and plan for a stable future; the fear that I won’t get a job when I get back and have to start again from the bottom; the money; the possibility that I just want to do this so I can be with Gary.
I didn’t bring any of this up with Gary, but he did say he’d like me to visit him and he’d like to visit me. He did tell me not to move too far away so he can stay here when he comes over for the Australian Open.
I want to run away so I can forget about everything that’s happened, start afresh and move on. I told Gary so many times that he needed to figure out what he wanted. It turns out that I need to do that. Do I look at getting my British passport and going to Europe, do I go to New Zealand and travel around? Do I pack up my stuff here and just travel Oz for a year? Or do I stick around and hope that I find myself and everything just works out?
The thing is, I’m not sure what I want. Will running away help me figure it out or confuse me further?