I am slowly starting to love myself again. I am even almost enjoying my own company.
As we left work yesterday, Jess asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and I said that I was starting to enjoy my own company again, so I was going to take it easy; get my nails done, get some waxing done; pamper myself. And that’s exactly what I’ve done so far. I had a bath last night, had a sleep in and then got my nails done, got some waxing done and bought a new summer dress. And I didn’t hate myself or feel terrible while doing it.
Things have been getting better lately; I’m still not eating as I was, but that’s no longer concerning me. I feel like I’m eating a more appropriate amount. I wasn’t trying to lose weight, but I have lost about eight kilos and it seems to be staying off. Some of my tops and pants are looser and I feel better about my body. I’m shopping for new clothes and trying to create a new style, something that makes me feel good, more than simply being comfortable. Mel and Emma both complimented me when I last saw them. I feel good.
I still have low moments, but they are getting less frequent and less intense. Songs come on the radio that may cause a twinge in my belly, but it’s fleeting. Seeing happy couples doesn’t hurt as much and seeing babies and toddlers is less painful.
I saw my psychologist last week; she told me to embrace tinder and get out there, get some experience and know what I’m worth. She said that swiping left would be good for my confidence, knowing that I can do better. Even if I swipe left a hundred times, it will make me feel better. I did get on there last night, not sure on the volume of swipes, but I did look at some and think I can do better. I don’t like being judgmental, but I need to do things that can get me through.
Gary and I have been texting again, and have even spoken a couple of times. He’s no longer catching me by surprise. It’s just dawned on him that he’s leaving and he’s coming to Melbourne this week. He put in a message ‘I love you Laura’. I asked him why he said that, and he didn’t reply. When we spoke a few days later, I asked him again. He said that he ‘has love for me’. I’m not sure if he realises that both are actually very different. Or if maybe he regretted saying it. But at least when we talk, we don’t argue. He asked about my family, if they still hated him. I said that hate was a strong word. But I don’t hurt when we talk. I’m only going to worry about what I think and feel, not others.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about me, finding someone, having a baby and being happy. I’m trying to figure out what I want. I was telling my psychologist that I do want a baby, but I want to ensure that I’m doing it for the right reasons, that I’m not going to launch into that stage now to cover up my loneliness. I need to get my head right and together before I bring a life into the world. She tells me that I’ve still got plenty of time, as long as I’m ovulating, I’m physically able to have babies, possibly even for another 10-15 years. The time limit I’ve put myself on is my own limit, it’s self-imposed and in my head.
I realise that it is self-imposed and physically I should be able to bear children for some time yet. But emotionally and then further physically, I want to be able to run around with my children, heal after pregnancy and birth and see them grow up. My self-imposed time limit is still very relevant to me.
I do want a partner; I want love and happiness and a life to share with someone else. But more than that, I want to be a mum. I want to have children. I joined eHarmony and signed up for a twelve-month contract; the plan was to give myself 12 months to find someone and if I didn’t, then start pursuing single motherhood. I’ll still do that – perhaps even sooner, but I’m not going to put additional pressure on myself to find a partner.
I’m chatting with and meeting guys that I don’t have a huge interest in; it’s flattering that they’ve enjoyed meeting me and want to see me again, but I’m not feeling it. I need to take my time and find myself again. Before I can meet someone and have a relationship with them, I need to enjoy my own company and fall in love with being me again.
I lost myself in my relationship with Gary. I did everything with him in mind; my first consideration was always Gary. I got caught up in planning a future with him, what we’d do together. I stopped thinking about me, considering myself first and planning a future for me. In loving Gary, I forgot to love myself.
I’m embracing feeling better. I’m going to take my time and enjoy being me. Being alone, doing my own thing, answering to no one. I’m going to enjoy my own company and fall in love with myself again.