Patience

Patience. It’s actually never really been a strong trait of mine. I would like to think of myself as patient, but I’m not. My family will be the first to tell you I’m not – I think they’ve even laughed when I’ve described myself as patient. I do have my moments, but with family and myself, I don’t.

I’m so over feeling down and out. I’m sick of being on the verge of tears. I’ve had enough of feeling sad. I want to be happy. I want to not cry at the drop of a hat. I want to feel excited and hopeful.

I went on a date last Friday night. We’d been chatting online and seemed to have a connection, so we arranged to meet at a sports bar at the casino so we could watch the footy. The night was okay; he didn’t seem to look at me or make eye contact when we spoke, but at least we did chat and held a fairly decent conversation. After the footy, we wandered for a bit and then ended up at a club with an 80’s cover band and had a boogie. Things got weird when he pointed out his ex, but we moved on. I then went in for the pash and afterwards he said he didn’t like kissing in public. It just wasn’t quite right.

I questioned myself the rest of the weekend, thinking I’d done something wrong, that I’d made it weird. I obviously know that it just wasn’t right. But I can’t help but doubt myself. I had been chatting with another guy from online, and then suddenly he stops texting me. I went on a second date with my bestie’s friend’s brother and then nothing. I’m sending out lots of ‘smiles’ on eHarmony and am getting nothing in return. I must be doing something wrong. I’m full of doubt and impatience.

Sitting at my desk at work on Monday, I almost broke down. It took all my self-control to not cry and make a fuss. I immediately jumped on my phone and made an appointment with my GP. Shortly after getting home that night, I cried. Not just cried, I sobbed. My stomach ached and my heart hurt. I wanted to be pregnant; I wanted my baby. I wanted someone to share it with. I didn’t want to be alone.

I just want to be happy; I want a partner; I want a future and a family. And I want it all now. Everyone keeps telling me it will take time, to let myself feel what I’m feeling and be patient. But I’m bloody over it. This year started out amazingly and it’s not showing any signs of ending in the same manner.

Patience is not my strong point. The more patient I am, the more I think about what I should have and what I no longer have. I want to wake up one day and feel better. I want to eat normally and enjoy cooking again. I want to want to do things and not force myself to do things. I want to look forward to the weekend. I want plans on the weekend that aren’t just simply sitting on the couch watching TV.

Patience. It’s highly overrated. Just be done with it and start feeling happy.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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