Simple things, really. Usual greetings or farewells, nothing out of the ordinary.
But in my case, my heart stops and my stomach jumps. Why? After the initial shock, my heart and head start to freeze over. I feel myself go backwards, more steps back. My heart beats rapidly; so rapidly it’s the only thing I can hear in the back of my head. My ears and head pound – all this, from a simple ‘Hello’ or ‘Night’.
I’m trying to move on, keep myself upbeat, keep myself busy. But I still wake up each morning with him crossing my mind, I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him, I watch TV and commercials or shows bring him to the front of my mind. I am so over my stomach tightening and my chest heaving. The hole in my chest. I want to move on and I need to move on.
These simple greetings only add to my pain and confusion. The last message was sent Wednesday night, thankfully after I’d fallen asleep, so my night wasn’t spent tossing and turning and questioning. Instead the questioning happened shortly after waking up and has continued since.
I don’t know what he’s trying to achieve or what he wants. Was he lonely and had no one else to turn to, or did he miss me? Is he doing this to mess with my head? I would like to think that I didn’t fall in love with a manipulator, that I didn’t fall for a nasty person, that he wouldn’t deliberately hurt me. But then he did hurt me, he treated me nastily and did try to put it back on me. So maybe he is messing with me.
I told Jess that I’d heard from him and she got angry. Why is he doing this? Both her and Rachael have told me not to see him when (if?) he comes to Melbourne. I’m still in two minds. There is a part of me that thinks it will be therapeutic; it might finally provide me with a chance to get some much-needed closure. But then there is also the part of me that remains hopeful, that we can work things out and find a way.
We did move quickly; we wanted, well, I wanted, to be with him. Stay in love and build a life. Have children and travel the world, buy a house and open a café. Getting engaged and then married seemed to be the way to do this – it would have provided us with the opportunity to get a visa and be together. But we didn’t actually talk about how we would do all of that. I had full time employment and no restrictions and a path to getting a UK passport. But he didn’t have long-term full time employment and had restrictions on what he was able to do. We didn’t have plans for how we would do all of those things; we just wanted to be together.
It stings when I think back to when he said that the love he had for me wasn’t enough for us to get married; that if we’d met sooner and known each other longer, things may have been different. I interpreted this as him being scared and wanting a way out, that he didn’t love me, didn’t want to be with me.
We didn’t think it all through; I still won’t think of it as ‘the consequences’ however we didn’t make any future plans. We were caught up in the moment and just said we wanted to be together. I need to let go of that moment. Perhaps if we had met sooner, if we hadn’t had the deadline looming, things may have been different. It would have been more than a moment; it would have been a true plan for a future together.
Let him keep sending me those greetings. Let him keep thinking about me. I will no longer let those greetings confuse me. I will not allow my thinking of him to make me sad. I will move on.