This weekend marked the tentative date that Gary and I had pencilled in for getting married. Before things went sour and he had his ‘moments’, we confirmed a venue being available for today, I had a celebrant lined up and I even asked my bestie if she’d be okay being my bridesmaid on her birthday.
So, as well as my counting for the baby, I’ve also had this weekend’s countdown on. I know that we wouldn’t have been married this weekend; if it were to have happened it would have been getting eloped a couple of weeks ago, or during this week. But this was a specific date we’d seriously talked about. As bloody hard as it was knowing that it was coming up, I hope that by actually having this date here and now it being almost over I am able to move on. Of course, even knowing this, I still cried when I got home this evening, thinking that right now I should be “Mrs L….”.
When T and I caught up a few weeks ago, I told her about this weekend and she said she’d be there and we’d do something: a road trip, a spa day, anything. I asked her on Monday if she was still free – I’d planned nothing – and she was still up for it. So we booked Hobart. I was supposed to have done two weeks in Tassie in April, but had to cancel (story for another time) so it was nice to have this quick trip.
The thing is, when I reached out to T, it was before I’d spoken with Gary. When we did speak on Monday night, I told him that if he’d contacted me an hour earlier, I would have gone to Sydney this weekend; I would have gone to see him. I guess I’m quite lucky that he did wait that extra hour, going to Sydney would have been a huge mistake. When we spoke, I did say why I needed to get away this weekend and he didn’t comment or react. It obviously meant nothing to him.
I couldn’t help but keep thinking about him throughout the weekend though. I know I wasn’t the best company for T, but she knew coming in that I wouldn’t be myself. I had genuinely wanted to have fun, be happy and make the most of a weekend away. But then I had also heard from Gary since my last post. He simply told me not to be worried. I asked how I was supposed to not be worried after his messages to me Monday night? In the end, I sent him the link to this. I figured, why not? If I want him to know what I’ve been going through, then he may as well just read my entire thoughts and pains and emotions of the last couple of months here.
Somewhat surprisingly, I think he did read it. The first comment from him was that this was long – an encyclopaedia was the reference used. Then he told me it was well written. Flattering as that is – I know it’s not well written, I have a lot of work to do on my writing – it’s not what I was hoping for. I know not to expect anything from him, so I don’t know why I still do! I asked him if it had evoked any thoughts or emotions for him. He simply told me that he agreed with some and disagreed with some as well. But again, it was well written.
T told me that he was just trying to get a reaction out of me, gain something for himself and know that I’ll fall in again. I’m not sure about that – but it certainly didn’t help me feel better this weekend. Of course, I did also keep thinking about how I would have liked to have been there with him. We had talked about him coming to Tassie when I was supposed to have come in April – just a weekend in Hobart. He decided against it, but I think he would have actually quite enjoyed it. His loss. I need to focus on that – Hobart, Tasmania… me. All his loss.
My weekend getaway did end up being what I’d expected. I was still in my slump, but I did at least get out of the house. I only cried about him for a minute when I got home (I think my tears have now dried up) and then only almost cried when I saw a man walking with his two daughters today. I’d expected to be down and out and I was. I expected to be cold and I was – though not quite as cold as expected. I had a couple of drinks, but wasn’t up for anything big and slept in a super comfortable hotel bed. All as expected.
Now to work on my next weekend getaway – perhaps with someone who will share that super comfy bed; who will hold my hand as we walk along a new path; who will have a few drinks with me; who will keep me warm. Someone who will want to be there with me and will know within themselves that that is what they want.
It’s time for me to getaway… stop thinking about his loss and start thinking about what I want and will get. My gain. He can’t (or won’t) deliver so I need to focus on finding someone that can and will. I am getting away. Away from him. Away from my slump. Away from a path that will only cause me more hurt and pain. I am getting away.
(Side note – I’ve now got Lenny Kravitz stuck in my head. Who else wants to getaway, fly away????)