Censoring Myself

I’m so annoyed with myself. I let myself get sucked back in the other night and now I’m even deeper inside my slump. My friends knew it and I should have just kept listening to them and kept him blocked.

As I was writing my last post, I had in the back of my mind that I may share this blog with Gary; give him the chance to read what I’d been experiencing and how I’d been feeling. So I censored myself; I was conscious of my unintended audience and didn’t write as I should have done, as I have been doing.

I was also thinking that I’d share this with his mum (I just can’t let go of her not reaching out to me after the miscarriage), but I was doing it so that she could see what he’s going through and not about me. I wanted to ensure that my post wasn’t nasty or showed Gary in a negative light. But this is supposed to be about me and allowing myself to write uncensored, about me getting through it. This is not about him or her.

After we spoke the other night, we had a few messages back and forth. I had tried to message his mum to just reach out. I had mentioned again to Gary how I was hurt that she didn’t contact me; he said it was because I’d told her I’d let her know how the scan went. That still frustrates me. I didn’t contact anyone after the scan. My mum and dad were there, they told my sisters and my bestie contacted my sister when she didn’t hear from me. This is not news you just message people on the other side of the world about. It was still up to her to reach out to me and offer her condolences. To offer me anything in show of support.

As it turns out, I wasn’t able to message her; she’s either blocked me or her account settings don’t let non-friends message her. I’m not sure why she would have blocked me, but apparently she isn’t ‘accepting messages from me right now’. I told Gary this and he said that they’d argued the other night, about me, and that may be why.

I asked why they argued about me – why now, two months later. He said that everyone was attacking him and accusing him of not loving me, that he only wanted a visa to stay here. He was having panic attacks and no one was believing him. They, his mum especially, were taking my side and accusing him of feeling guilty. He said he was doubting himself, that his mind kept playing tricks on him before we broke up. He was convinced he was in love with me, but then he would go to the G and be around Melbourne and think it was all about the visa.

The empath in me came out and I wanted to reassure him; I was worried about him and his wellbeing. I told him that I was certain it hadn’t been about the visa, that I believed he had loved me. I had doubted his love for me in our last weeks together, but that was due to relationship issues, him backing away and distancing himself from me, not due to visa. I said he did have guilt; he has apologised many times for doubting my pregnancy – our baby – and he is likely also suffering from depression. He allows fear and doubt to rule his mind, rather than love and happiness. I wanted to make him feel better, know that he wasn’t alone. I was looking out for him and not me; completely censoring myself.

He didn’t reply to those messages and it has kept me in a slump. I know I shouldn’t have hope for us – we won’t work. I need someone strong who is able to support me and know what they want. Fight for what they want. He demonstrated he won’t support me, doesn’t know what he wants and he absolutely won’t fight for anything. I was so close to fully moving on; yet him reaching out has absolutely thrown me back. I put the censorship barriers up and let the hope of a future with him come back; the possibility of hooking up, going to New Zealand, working on a long-distance relationship.

What’s worse is that he hasn’t said anything that would lead me to believe he wants any of that; he said he would come to Melbourne and would like to say good bye to me. Maybe take me out for dinner. Nothing committal or serious about a future with us. There was a passing comment about him studying to gain a student visa. I have clung to that and I can’t. I can’t go down this path.

I asked him how he was this morning and he replied to tell me he was hungry; asked how I was. I said I was out of sorts, I’d been worried about him and I wasn’t feeling myself again. Unsurprisingly, I haven’t had a response. I don’t know why I was expecting anything different. He didn’t follow up on how I was feeling in the past, even when I almost begged him to; why should now be any different?

I’m wondering if I’ve now helped alleviate him of his guilt and my purpose is now served? Maybe it was all about the visa – he was happiest when we were out in the city. One of our best conversations was after a concert at Rod Laver Arena; we sat on the pedestrian bridge overlooking the G and Melbourne Park and he  commented how lucky he was; lucky to be with me, lucky to be in Melbourne; lucky for a future of raising kids in Melbourne, taking them to AFL and NRL games. Maybe it was the visa. I’ve been saying in the back of my head that it was about the visa and he then did fall in love with me; that he pulled away as his intentions were in the end about the visa and not for love. I need to think he was in love with me, even if just to make me feel better. I can’t think it was all about the visa; I can’t allow myself to think I was fooled and taken in by a salesman. I also can’t allow this hope of genuine love to simmer; I need to knock it out.

I need to get out of this slump. I need to stop censoring my thoughts and get it all out. I need to remove him from my life. I need to stop caring about his wellbeing and completely focus on mine. I had a couple of comments about this with Jess today; she was adamant I need to stop thinking about him; she doesn’t know the full details of what happened and the finer points but she told me to remember how he made me feel and what I went through. I can’t open those gates again. She told me to let him go and move on. I told her my friends and family would love her for that.

I want to say that I can cut him out. But I have twice now cut him out and both times he’s come back in. I keep thinking back to how easy it was, how I felt we fitted nicely into each other’s lives and enjoyed the same things. I’m struggling to see myself finding that with someone else. I have fleeting moments of positivity about the future. But that’s all they are, fleeting.

Censoring my posts, my thoughts, is only holding me back. I can’t have hope for him; he doesn’t have it for himself. I need hope for me and my future – my future without him. I need to stop censoring myself and finally move on.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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