I’m still not ready to go deep about my miscarriage. I’m getting there, but not quite. Tonight I want to enjoy the footy – the EJ Whitten Legends game – fun and laughter and silliness. I can’t go deep and dark.
But bloody hell. I think everyone is getting pregnant. I mentioned Jodie the other day. Well even more friends have recently announced their impending bundles of joy and posted their scans on Facebook. It bloody hurts. Cuts to the bone and stomach and chest and heart and burns. It really bloody hurts.
What is hurting is that the announcement comes at a time that I should have been announcing my own. I want my own scans and hazy images of a baby in my stomach; I want to share them with the world. I want to stop feeling hurt and pain when I see others’ images or their newborns. I want my own. I deserve my own. I will be an amazing mother and I deserve the opportunity to show that; there are babies that deserve me as their mother. I am so happy for these new mums and dads to be and new parents; but they are hurting me so much right now.
Mum asked me the other night if I was still seeing my psychologist. I told her I was and that I’d actually cancelled my appointment with her for this week as last week I had been feeling good. I rescheduled to the end of the month, thinking about her comment of ‘3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months’. I explained to mum what that was and that the 3 days hit me, the 3 weeks hit me and now I have the 3 months to ‘look forward’ to.
I told her that I also need to book a getaway for the end of February. She asked why, and I said because that would have been my due date. I’d need to get away from it. She told me I needed to stop counting up or down. I just have to stop it.
I realise she’s coming from a caring place and wants to help, but the forums I’ve read and how I feel; I can’t just stop the counting. I may have only known about the pregnancy for a few weeks but it was a big part of me. I’d experienced symptoms for a couple of weeks prior; I had my body and mind starting to prepare for motherhood. How can I just stop counting down? And now with so many friends due in such close proximity, I need to getaway. I need to be away from it and having fun elsewhere.
Not everyone is pregnant. But enough are to remind me that I no longer am.