Life is still shit…. I have my moments; moments of positive, moments of negative, moments of in between. It seems like everything is full of moments now where I can’t keep up.
Mel came around on Sunday afternoon; we’d been planning a catch up for ages and as much as I felt out of it, I can’t keep excluding myself from life and Mel is a really important friend to me. She has been an absolute rock; I miss seeing her everyday at work – as much as I love the girls I work with now, I don’t have the history with them.
I told her how I’d had a shit weekend and hadn’t been feeling right. She says she doesn’t know what to say or how to help me deal with what I’ve been going through. She’s got a fur-baby and will never have a human baby. She’s been with her now husband for 10 years and he adores her. But just by being there and ready for a laugh, that’s all I need. We had a couple of drinks (pre-mixed Jim Beams – we’re a classy lot!!) and got to chatting. I told her about my trip to the zoo and my dates and that I’d just paid and signed up for eHarmony.
She laughed at that – her and another friend signed me up for eHarmony by force a few years ago and I fought it the whole way and now here I am willingly setting it up and paying for it all over again. I’m in a different part of my life now. I’ve had love and intimacy and want it back. I hadn’t before; I’d been in love but not in the same way and I was content alone. Now I’m not.
I mentioned how I couldn’t help but compare the guy I’d met online with Gary. Small things; not feeling comfortable straight away; him not paying for dinner; not having similar life experiences. (I need to be straight here: I don’t expect the guy to pay for dinner, I like and appreciate politeness and courtesy. But when we split the bill and he pockets my overpayment, not cool. Then when I get take away and I pay on my credit card and not get any cash, not cool. That was something with Gary – he paid each time we went out – each time. He was a few bucks short once and was embarrassed asking for some change – I didn’t hesitate. I appreciate the consideration, courtesy and manners.) Online guy didn’t have any of that – didn’t even hold the door open or wait for me to go first or ask how I was.
So I bought up some of these points with Mel and she told me I need an electric buzzer so that each time I either mention or compare Gary, I get a shock. Effectively shock him out of my system. Seems harsh, but true. I won’t meet another Gary – he was a one off. And I can’t have another Gary – I need someone I can trust and rely on. Someone who will be there for me and with me.
Chatting with mum last night, I told her about my last week and how I’d been up and down. I said that I couldn’t help but compare but was trying not to. I said that I kept thinking of the good and fun times; all the great attributes that he had. She said I need to not think about those – think about the nasty things, the bad things, the negative.
It’s a concept I have been thinking about; by focussing on the negative in him, I should be able to move on. But that’s just not me. Fundamentally I need to focus on the good, the positive. I don’t want to look back and regret or be mad at our time together. By focussing on the negative, that will turn this into a bad time. I’m generally a happy, positive person. I need to keep this as a good time.
Mel said something similar on Sunday, without saying it. I mentioned a couple of good things about him and she reminded me of some nasty things he said. How when I told him I was pregnant he asked if I’d get fat. When I said my boobs would get bigger, he said they’d sag. How he threatened me and spoke to me ‘that day’. For all the positive, there was also a lot of negative.
So I finally took the plunge and deleted our text message history from my phone. He had three different phone numbers while we were together so I had three chains to get rid of. The first of course when we started seeing each other – the first texts he sent me after we met and our probing get to know each other questions. Then the last texts, where the conversation is heavily one sided – mine – as he just didn’t renew his credit. When the conversation and topics turned. When it all started falling apart. I wanted to keep the good things, the messages that made me feel special and loved. But I was going to have to keep the negative as well. The messages that made me feel cheap, hurt and incredibly unloved. So they all went – all of them. Almost 3,000 messages – gone.
To hold onto those positive moments, I needed to have the negative moments there. To get rid of the negative, I needed to get rid of the positive. And for me to truly move on, I need them both gone. So, they went. Mr Beam helped (as well as some fortified wine I found), but at least it was quick, like a band-aid. I’m not tempted to read through them as they’re not there.
I have worked hard to be positive and focus on the positive, I block out the negative. Love is blind – I didn’t focus on the negative when we were together and look how I’ve ended up. I just need to ensure that I don’t sway too far and focus on the negative only. I hope that’s not what I’m doing with the guy from online – focussing only on the negative and therefore missing out on the positive. It’s a fine line… and I’ve just made the connection with a pregnancy test; a positive or negative fine line. Wow. That’s enough.
Positive. Focus on the positive. Always.