Right now I’m pretty shit

So this has been a rough weekend. I was actually supposed to go out Friday night; I even walked to the tram stop, topped up my Myki and waited for the tram. But minutes before it arrived, I got up and walked home. I just wasn’t up to catching up with past work colleagues and having a couple of drinks, engaging in small talk and being asked about my wedding plans. Having to say I was now single and absolutely miserable. So I walked home and spent the night on the couch in my pjs,wallowing in self-pity.

I had thought I was getting better, I’d had a good week – been on a couple of dates and had some laughs. But then out of nowhere the sadness and loneliness hit me. I am honestly so over crying, feeling down and lacking in confidence in the future. I am over it. But apparently it isn’t done with me; I’ve been in a slump all weekend.

Yesterday was a friend’s daughter’s 2nd birthday at the zoo. I’d been preparing myself for this for weeks. It wasn’t just the going to a family event at a location that would be full of kids and happy families. It was that this friend was also pregnant; we should have been within a couple of weeks of each other. And her sister, she’s also recently suffered a missed miscarriage. She was actually due to give birth a month or so ago. I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle seeing them – the emotions would be too overwhelming. Maybe I was trying to rid myself of the tears before seeing them.

I persevered and made the short trek there. Not long after arriving I had a call from my older sister; she asked how I was and I said that I was actually pretty shit. I’d been ok but that I wasn’t then and there. My voice cracked, just as my eyes are now, and I didn’t know what to do. How many people walk around the zoo crying? Knowing that talking more would only make me worse, we hung up. I watched the baboons for a bit, then found my friends.

As soon as Jodie saw me, she rushed over and just held me in a big hug; Tanya stood by, waiting her turn, then she just joined in. Held by these two incredible women, I cracked again. Jodie then had to pull away, and her mum stepped in. She asked how I was and I said that right then I was pretty shit, but had been doing ok. And that’s the absolute truth. I had been doing ok, but right now, I’m pretty shit.

As we left, I had a talk with Tanya – we promised to catch up soon. She’s doing ok, had been doing it hard but she has her husband and daughter with her. She said that someone had said she shouldn’t talk about it, but she thought she needed to. Had we not been standing by her car with everyone inside, I would have gone into everything with her. All I want to do is talk about it, and ideally with someone who may have some sense of understanding. I only found out about her situation after everything happened with me and I’d wanted to reach out, but didn’t know if either of us would have been able to cope. I think we both can now.

Life is rough now. Actually, it’s pretty shit. I was happy (enough) before meeting Gary and content with being single. I was looking forward to becoming a single mum. Now I’m not content or at all happy being single. And I am desperate to become a mum; but not a single mum. I said awhile ago that I’m 33, I’m not old. Well, by the time I meet someone, we’d need to be together for at least a year before considering something as serious as marriage and children (I can’t repeat my choices with Gary) so I’m looking at falling pregnant at 35 at the absolute earliest. So, 33 may not seem old. But when you add everything else it is old. Life is pretty shit right now.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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