I thought I was ready

I’ve been saying that I don’t miss him; that it’s the companionship and the intimacy that I miss. But now I’m not sure. Right now, my heart is positively aching. I had a cry before – nothing major, but a cry nonetheless.

The beauty of having a Mac is that the automatic screen saver is just a run through of your photos, completely random. Great when I see photos of my travels or my friends and family. But it goes through every photo you have. Including memes. And a meme I saved and sent to him came up and it bloody hurt. I have now deleted it, along with a couple of others. I want to delete all the photos I have of him and us, but I can’t. I will look back fondly one day and we did have a great time. The first half of this year truly was amazing – it was everything I had wanted: I was doing stuff, I was in love, I was enjoying life.

Now I’m not. I’m trying to but it’s bloody hard. I had thought I was ready to finally delete our text conversations from my phone; my friends have said they’ll do it for me or they’ll be there when I do it. But right now, I ache at the thought of getting rid of them.

I have been good and haven’t checked his Facebook page so I honestly don’t know where he is. I still assume he’s in Sydney but I just don’t know. I would like to think that he is wallowing in self-pity and missing me terribly but I just don’t know. Even if he was, he’d never acknowledge it or put it on a public forum. I need to stay strong and not look.

The issue this week has been that I’ve had a couple of dates and I can’t help but compare and since I’ve told the girls at work what has happened, I want to keep revealing and sharing. It’s like I can’t stop myself talking, and therefore thinking, about him.

Looking back there were many cracks and holes; love truly is blind. When retelling the details in a very undetailed form to T last week, she simply said that she was glad her friend didn’t marry this guy. Overall I agree; I deserve better than that and again, he doesn’t deserve me. But right now, when I’m sitting on the couch alone on a Friday night in my pjs, he would be better than nothing.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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