I’ve been doing well lately – getting out and about, sharing more of myself at work and planning activities. But one night last week, I had another ‘moment’.
I can’t remember what set me off but I remember lying in bed and tears started running down my cheeks. I’d been reflecting a bit on my relationship with Gary and how I miss it – the kisses, the cuddles, the spending time with someone – the intimacy. Feeling and sharing love. And I started to worry that maybe I wouldn’t find that again.
I am a woman with a woman’s insecurities and worries; am I good enough, am I attractive enough; am I special enough?
Am I enough?
The online dating has been interesting and following on from my last post, I am putting myself out there. I’m getting out of my shell and meeting new people. But I remember how ‘easy’ it was when I met Gary and when we went on our first dates. I remember being entirely me at all times. No pretences; just pure undiluted me. The time I was least ‘me’ was when I called him around for our first night together (yes, a late night ‘tipsy’ booty call). Amazingly he still wanted to see me again – even after seeing my unattractive morning after pjs and heavy head.
But what if no one else does? What if being me is just not good enough? I don’t know how to be anyone but me. I recently saw an image on Facebook, one of those inspirational quotes:
I’m not a one in a million kind of girl.
I’m a once in a lifetime kind of woman.
It has been my profile picture since. It really resonates with me; right to my very core. I have always been an ‘indi-bloody-vidual’. I am no one but me.
But what if I’ve had my once in a lifetime chance? What if this pregnancy was my once in a lifetime pregnancy? What if Gary was my once in a lifetime engagement? What if being me is just not enough? Maybe I am simply a one in a million kind of girl and there are millions more out there like me – but more attractive, younger and more loveable?
I know that I’m loved by my family and friends. But I need more; I want more; I deserve more. I don’t know how to be anyone but me. Will that be good enough for someone else?