I haven’t been quite myself lately. Apart from the lack of appetite and the heartache, just these last few days I’ve been an almost different person.
At work I feel I’m getting cheekier and louder; I’ve definitely come out of my shell. It’s kind of demonstrated to me how much I’ve grown and changed over the last 11 years. It took me months to open up when I worked at the call centre; it took me months to open up when I started at the travel agency (thank God I did otherwise I wouldn’t have my bestie now!) and then when I moved to the head office, it again took me months to open up and eat lunch in the tea room with others. But I’m less than four weeks in, I eat lunch in the tea room (partly as there is nowhere nearby to go!), I pick on colleagues, I laugh and tell jokes, I put myself out there. I’ve been saying that my new colleagues are super friendly and they are. But I’m not as shy as I once was which is allowing me to respond to their friendliness.
My shyness has also disappeared socially. I finally signed up for a dating site on Saturday afternoon and almost immediately had some messages with a couple of guys. I wasn’t taking it too seriously – it was a free site and as soon as my account was ‘open’ I had likes – there was no info, just that I was a 33yo woman and my suburb. So clearly guys just like all girls. But once I’d filled in a bit of info and saw some profiles I took the plunge.
There was one guy who was rather dirty and one-track minded; he offered to ‘eat me out’. There was another who said he was just after friends, but through messaging and a phone call, found out he wanted to pash me. Another guy then told me my boobs weren’t big enough and that I didn’t have enough self-respect.
Move forward to Mel and I then going to a local pub after a few whiskeys at home and chatting to a couple of guys, brothers. The one I was chatting with was sweet, but not my type. Then somehow I ended up with a couple of pashes on the dance floor. I’ve never kissed more than one guy in a night and here I am, flirting, chatting and kissing multiple guys in one night. This is not me! Overall, the night wasn’t a success and when we got home I did shed a couple of tears. I didn’t and don’t miss him; I miss being with someone.
Heavy headed I wake up Sunday morning and log back on to find more likes and messages waiting. It’s quite overwhelming; are they genuine, do they actually like the look and sound of my profile, or are they all after one thing? Or worse, are they cat-fishing me? But I need to stay positive – I am a good person and deserve good. After receiving some very poorly directed bad karma this year, there has to be good karma just waiting for me. Why not here?
I start chatting with one guy who seems quite sweet and is also very local – same suburb! He gives me his number and we have had some epic text sessions each day since. At this stage we’re planning on meeting up on Saturday night. I again need to remain positive, but also cautious. That’s how they get you in – they say all the right things and make you comfortable and then – BAM! But we’ll see – he does seem genuine. Of course I also thought Gary was the one and would be there for me. But positive. I need to remain positive.
But then today – I get a text from my bestie’s friend’s brother. And I immediately feel comfortable; I know he’s a nice, genuine guy. He’s a real guy guaranteed!
I do have doubts – am I ready, can I ‘date’ in the traditional sense, am I open to the possibility of being hurt, can I make myself vulnerable? I’ve never ‘dated’ before. My ex before Gary was a guy I went out with in high school; we reconnected years after school. Then there was Gary; both were ‘easy’ relationships to start, both ended in unexpected and painful ways. I haven’t done the dating thing before – this is scary, exciting, confidence boosting, cheeky. I need to enjoy this. I need to have fun and know that I am worth it. I am a good person; I am sexy, attractive and worth someone’s while.
I need to remain positive. I need to continue overcoming my shyness. I need to stay out of my shell.