I’m not happy with last night’s post. It was messy and hodgepodge. I’m not a planner when it comes to my writing and that was evident with yesterday’s update. But I hadn’t written in awhile and I missed it – I felt the need to write so I did.
I’m doing this blog to help me feel better and I’m getting there; I can actually see the light approaching. But I’m still missing out. I miss things. I miss waking up feeling happy, and eating breakfast without force, I miss eating a full dinner and having a cheeky dessert. I miss doing stuff. I miss being held at night. I miss getting a hello or goodbye kiss. I miss saying and hearing ‘I love you’. I miss things and feelings, but I don’t miss him.
I’ve gone a few more days without crying and today there were times I felt positive and excited about the future. My future. My future with someone that will be amazing; where I’ll be thought of and treated as amazing. Our future where we’ll have a family and a house and a dog and all of the other things we’ve wanted. Yes, I’ll be older than what my ideal had been, but I’ll still have it. And along with it, I’ll have life experiences which will ensure I’m able to make the most of everything and be the best possible mum, partner and woman I can be.
I’ve missed out in the past by not sharing my inner goings on with friends and family. I’ve always struggled sharing my feelings and emotions with others; I don’t like to burden and feel that my issues are insignificant. While I’m not celebrating that a broken engagement and a miscarriage are ‘something to talk about’, it does make it easier for me to share. These are signifiant events – along with the other crap that happened earlier this year. I don’t want to keep missing out.
I’ve missed out on a stronger relationship with mum. Oddly enough, I’ve found it quite easy to talk with mum about what’s been happening. I’ve usually felt a bit distant from her and found it easier to talk with dad; but this last month-plus I’ve found it easy to talk with her and hard to speak with dad. Dad wears his emotions on his sleeve a little too much, especially when his daughters are in pain. I’ve needed to avoid his emotions as they would have broken me further. This is the same with my older sister, she can’t hide her emotions and I’ve only been able to deal with my own. But my younger sister and mum – I’m not saying they hide their emotions, but it’s been easier for me to talk to them.
I’m missing out now, but I won’t be missing out forever. To help me stop missing out, I’m planning a night out on Saturday with Mel – we’re going to get me on some dating apps and then see where the drinks and night takes us. She’s going to master her wing-woman skills. I’m going to master my not-being-shy-and-just-go-for-it skills. I’m going to have a good time; not just because I want to, but because I deserve to and am ready to.
I’m certainly not going to look back on this period and be thankful, but I do need to take on whatever lessons are thrown my way. I need to take on board whatever I can so that I stop missing out.
I won’t keep missing out by holding myself back.