I feel there is a light and the tunnel is getting shorter. I’m almost ready to tell my new work colleagues about what I’ve been through and remove the mystery of my starting work a week late and my comments about my appetite returning. (They’re far too polite to ask but I sense Rachael is super keen to know what happened.)
I now haven’t had a cry in a few days but I did shed some tears on Saturday morning. I got really frustrated with myself. How dare I keep crying over this dick? I caught up with my sister Saturday afternoon; she just waits for me to talk about stuff and again, my eyes welled up. I told her I’d had a cry that morning and got frustrated – she told me to forgive myself, it will take time. But I’m just over it. I’m better than him and he doesn’t deserve my tears.
I then told her about a song that’s my silent anthem and she loved it – she’d actually been waiting for the right time to tell me about it herself. It’s by Little Mix, ‘Hair’. The best line is ‘he’s just a dick and I knew it’. Somewhat perfect.
We haven’t been in touch since Thursday when I finally took the step of un-friending him and changing my status back to single. The final straw was when he shared a picture that had a list of what men want from relationships: Food, loyalty and sex. The list of what women want included: Love, loyalty, super great sex, email account and passwords, attention and it went on. It really got to me and helped me turn a corner.
I told him that it was rude and all ties were being cut. He asked what the issue was, it wasn’t about me, it was about all women. Many times through our relationship I told him that I didn’t like being compared to other women and didn’t appreciate stereotypes like that. I said that it was disrespectful to me, especially since we had just broken up. He then said it was a joke. I didn’t reply. He later messages saying that it was about how simple men were compared to women. I can only assume that his ex (who he’s probably staying with in Sydney) told him to say that. I’m proud of myself for not responding.
I did speak about him a lot on the weekend; I can only hope that his ears burned holes in his hoodie. I spent Sunday with my bestie and her two kiddies; we went to the Yarra Valley Chocolaterie and enjoyed the sunshine. I’d spent the night at her place, so for breakfast Manda made pancakes and one of mine was in the shape of a heart – so I’d know I was loved. I ate that one second and forced it down – my appetite wasn’t quite there but I had to finish that heart – let the inside of me know that I was loved. I think it worked. While I didn’t have lunch, I was inspired and bought myself a roast chicken when I went grocery shopping and had chicken and baked veggies for dinner – I actually cooked!
I’ve still got a way to go, but with my eating habits getting to be a little more ‘normal’ and my stomach being slightly less ache-y in the mornings I’m getting there. Manda even rang me last night to ask if she could give my number to her friend’s brother. I’ve met him once before and he seemed nice; I said yes. It was nice to know he was interested and I need to get myself out there.
Who knows what will happen? But at least I’m trying and no longer crying over the clueless dick. He is gone and my heart is done.