So I cried again today. But this time not about Gary. This time about the baby that should still be growing inside me.
It was three weeks ago that I had my scan and was told that there wasn’t a heartbeat. Three weeks ago that my world turned upside down again. Three weeks ago that I had my heart broken in a way I never imagined possible. Three weeks ago I woke up with hope and excitement for the confirmation I’d be given that afternoon. Three weeks ago I fell asleep with more pain and loss than I’d ever experienced.
My psychologist did say on Tuesday ‘three days, three weeks, three months’. I just didn’t really clue into that three week mark until this afternoon.
The hardest thing about my new job is that most of my colleagues have kids – but not just kids; toddlers and babies. One of my reports has just returned from maternity leave; my other report is planning a wedding. My boss has a toddler and another senior manager has a toddler and his wife is pregnant with another baby.
One of the first questions I’m asked is ‘do you have kids?’ Then other times when I’ve commented that I don’t drink coffee, I’m told ‘you mustn’t have kids!’ While there is certainly no intention to hurt or harm, it aches each time.
Then today, Letti shows us an image of her daughter’s 12 week scan. She’s so excited and happy for her first grandchild and wants to share. I’m with her, a baby is great news. But then it dawned on me; I should be 10 weeks along today myself. I should be looking forward to my own 12 week scan, entering the second trimester and sharing my own scans and images and excitement with my colleagues. Instead, I’m dying on the inside and using all of my self control to not let my hurt and pain show.
As we left work tonight, Graeme’s pregnant wife and daughter were there. There was talk about new babies and my boss’s sick toddler. It was all babies and again, it took all my self control to not break into tears.
All was well until I checked my Facebook newsfeed – there are so many new parents, baby pages being liked and family pages shared. And then one of those ‘list-stories’; for those who are obsessed with babies, here are 25 more things you need to know.
Come on – give me a break. So I broke. The tears just fell and fell. Mel text me and asked if I was up for a call, I told her so long as she could handle my possibly crying. I have to say, Mel is awesome. She is the least baby-like person out there and I knew she wanted to talk about work, but she let me talk about babies and Gary and me. She was exactly what I needed and she got me at the right time without even knowing it.
I will never understand or accept the loss of my baby and I will keep counting the weeks. I will continue to grieve for that little bundle of joy and ache inside. Today is the three week mark. Now to wait for the three month mark.