Things were looking up

So last night I was feeling good; I felt that my heart had caught up with me. I could see that things were getting better and I’d get through this. I’d had two cry-free days and was looking forward to many more. And then this evening happened and I bloody well cried, as much as I tried not to.

I wrote my post last night and spoke with my sister; as expected, she wants me to cut all ties. She even cheered when I said that I would have to be much more f’ed up in the head than Gary is if I ever considered getting back together with him. (She did actually cheer.) I felt good. I’d also started getting messages from him again and I didn’t fall for them, I didn’t allow myself to get dragged down.

I need to get him to remove himself from my electricity account so I’ve been chasing that up with him, sent him a reminder yesterday morning. He sends me a message last night: ‘I  you’. I responded with ‘You red heart me? What do you want?’ As expected, I get a ‘Don’t know’. I tell him that he needs to figure that out and what he wants or expects from me. I told him that he needs to stop running from whatever he is running from.

He told me he was probably going to Sydney for work as he couldn’t get any here in Melbourne and was just moping around his hostel. I told him he had a job but he quit it. I then asked again what he wanted from me and he just said ‘that was shit’. Again, all about him and not thinking about me and answering my question. I sent back ‘well why say you  me? what do you want?’

‘Nothing’.

I left it there – he is a clueless dick and I can’t engage anymore. He has issues, but I need to heal and move on. I don’t wish him harm, I don’t want him to hurt or be alone, but I do need to make sure I’m not hurting or alone. I need to focus on me.

I’ve been struggling to sleep well for the past few weeks. Last night was worse; I again tossed and turned and woke up with a headache, feeling ill. As much as I think I’m getting better, I still wake each morning with an ache in my belly and the inability to eat. Today I felt lightheaded most of the day and just not quite right. I got sad at lunch, but held strong. I got through it and was looking forward to my weekend activities.

Gary rang me not long after I got home – I missed it so asked if it was an accident or if he wanted to talk. He said it was an accident, but would chat if I wanted to talk. I told him I didn’t have anything to talk about but did ask about electricity account. Still not done – he has no patience and won’t wait on hold. I asked if he had made up his mind about Sydney and he said he had – he is flying there tomorrow.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I couldn’t help it, the tears started up. It really is over and he is leaving. Tomorrow. I won’t see him again. And it bloody hurts.

I had finally made the decision to cut all ties with him so this reaction really knocked me. I actually took the step of un-friending his mum and sister last night and am now waiting for the right time to unfriend him and change my status back to single. I made this decision. I told myself I need to cut ties. Then I bloody well cry when he tells me he’s leaving the city.

So, maybe my heart isn’t quite there.

 

 

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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