I’ve been waiting for this for a few weeks now and it seems that I’m pretty much there. I think my heart has finally cottoned on to what my head (and friends and family) have been saying for awhile now. He was not right for me and I can, and will do better.
My ideal life timeline has been further delayed by this, but I’m not old. I’m 33, I’m not ancient, I’m not beyond having a family or a meaningful, long-term relationship. I’m not old. I’m 33 and have many great years ahead of me. And I will get over this.
I saw my psychologist last week and she told me to look up some videos about Empaths and Narcissists. I found some further articles on the weekend and it opened my eyes. I’ve always described myself as being empathetic – quite frankly, working in customer service this is a must have trait – but I hadn’t really considered what else it could mean. I hadn’t realised just how deep this trait ran within me and how I did and do put myself in others’ shoes and end up putting them before me. Denying me and myself for the sake of others, not wanting to rock the boat or upset those around me. I’m not just empathetic, I am an Empath.
This has been quite the revelation for me. Further reading has shown how Empaths and Narcissists often collide and how the Empath is eaten up by the Narcissist. How the Empath can’t leave the Narcissist due to wanting to fix or help them and taking on their emotions and losing themselves in the process. How the Narcissist feeds off the Empath and takes them for granted, only ever putting themselves first and not looking out for others.
I’m not saying that Gary is a full blown Narcissist, but he definitely holds a number of their traits to an absolute tee. Our relationship really did seem to be all about him, how things were affecting him and his way of life, what he was going to miss out on and how he felt. He rarely asked me how I was, how I was doing and when he did, he wouldn’t really pay attention, focus or ask questions to elaborate. He would change the subject and inevitably we’d end up talking about him.
I was absolutely in love – he was a great guy and we did have so much fun together. When he did focus on me, it was amazing, I felt loved, sexy and attractive – cared for. I kept focussing on those moments, overlooking the small things and the dismissals. But in the end it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him most and he didn’t show signs of being there in the future if I needed him again.
But back to my readings on empathy and narcissism. It was absolutely timely me doing that reading on Sunday – after we’d been texting, and just before we met up. He came around for dinner last night and we did talk – we didn’t yell or argue, or try and hurt each other. We simply talked. It was awkward at first but we did talk.
I had prepared myself for this meeting to be more about him than me. I did want to know if there was anything I had done that may have changed circumstances, but in the end there wasn’t. I could have done everything perfectly but it wouldn’t have mattered. He is a lost guy. He is still a boy and doesn’t know what he wants. He truly thinks that the only thing he did wrong was doubt my pregnancy. He still thinks it was okay to discuss the finer details of our relationship with a stranger and his mum, but not with me. He didn’t seem to realise how difficult it was for me after losing our baby and how I needed his support and comfort and how much it hurt when he abandoned me.
Having Gary come around, I went in with the expectation that I would need to cut off all ties with him to be able to completely move on. I asked what he thought about that and he couldn’t respond. I would like to think that he does love me and doesn’t want to lose me; but the truth is, he doesn’t know what he wants and he isn’t prepared or willing to fight for anything; he’s far too willing to accept and move on.
I can spend hours and words and posts on how lost he is and may never truly be satisfied or happy, but this is about me. I have now realised how I deserve better. I now have more of an idea of what I do want in my future and from my partner. Love. Trust. Respect. Honesty. Support. Willingness to fight for me.
As much as I don’t want (can’t want) a relationship with him in the partnership sense, I do want to be friends… I think. We did have fun together, he’s a funny guy…. While I feel good now, will I still feel this way in 48 hours, in a week, in a month? I need to put my long term needs first. My psychologist has told me to cut all ties. My sister will tell me the same. My friends will as well (Mel actually told me to weeks ago). But while I am strong now, am I that strong?
For now, I’m happy that my heart does seem to have finally caught up with my head.