A day without crying

So I actually went a day without crying. I had times scattered throughout Friday where I thought to myself, ‘I can get through this, things will get better’. And then I would sneeze and my nose would start running uncontrollably again.

Yep, on top of everything going on, I’ve gone and picked myself up a cold. Another cruel twist of fate. It’s no surprise really, I’m not looking after myself. I’ve lost between four and five kilos in the last two weeks, I’m struggling to eat and what I do eat takes me ages and I don’t finish it. I wake up each morning with an achey cramp in my belly and the thought of eating just makes me feel worse. I’ve never experienced this before – I love food, I love eating, I love cooking. But right now, anything to do with food makes me feel ill.

But, back to my day without crying – a day I’d been looking forward to. A day that really only happened due to me feeling so physically miserable with myself that I just couldn’t focus on anything else. Yet still, scattered moments where I could see myself moving forward. And then I was woken up at 2am by a text message from Gary: ‘Hello’. So many thoughts ran through my mind, should I reply, should I go back to sleep, should I tell him to f off? Or should I just completely ignore him? Yet hope in the back of my mind; he’s thinking about me.

It took awhile, but I did get back to sleep. I stayed in bed until my alarm went off – I had a follow up appointment with my GP so no excuses – I had to get out of the house. I told her that I had gone the previous day without crying and then my eyes welled up. It seems that Friday was a one off. She did remind me that there was nothing I could have done, I have nothing to do with a miscarriage and they just happen. But some good news – I was able to fall pregnant. I know that’s a silver lining, but right now I need more than silver linings.

I cracked again when it came time to changing my sheets. I kicked Gary out four weeks ago and have been sleeping alone since, but seeing his side of the bed…. it was too much. The tears started. I did crack and text him ‘Where did it all go wrong?’. I wasn’t expecting a reply, but an ‘I dunno’ came back almost instantly. We went back and forth for a bit, I eventually said that I was likely to regret it, but I missed him. He replied ‘I miss you 2’. He told me he missed my dinners. I said I did too, I wasn’t eating much. I told him I missed his terrible singing of football songs. I got a ‘lol’. I needed more, I need more. I deserve more.

He told me he didn’t know what to say. I told him I needed to know that there had been a real relationship there, that I wasn’t simply a fool who fell for a good salesman. I told him that I needed something to make me feel better, I was grieving not only our lost baby but our lost relationship.

We’re supposed to meet up one day this week. He said he felt like he’d lost his best friend. But it was all about him again – I realise I’m likely just torturing myself further but I can’t help it. I thought he was the one and I can’t just let him go, much as my head and friends and family tell me to.

So, we’ll see. For now, I’ll look forward to another day without tears. It won’t be today, I’m three tissues down already. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. But it will come.

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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