I Deserve….

I’m sitting here watching the Masterchef grand final and, like many others, I started crying when the families walked in. Those emotional reunions always get to me, but this one – a new level.

I want and deserve to be held the way that Matt held his wife. To be squeezed and held and embraced like there is no tomorrow. To almost fall apart at seeing her after many months away from each other – I deserve that. I deserve to be treated and thought of with respect, love and absolute adoration.

What I deserve is the man I fell in love with, the man who asked for my hand in marriage, the man who assured me that he was absolutely in love with me and that he’d never met anyone like me, that he was the luckiest man in the world. The man that asked my dad for his blessing in gaining my hand in marriage. The man that not only bought an engagement ring, but also the wedding band. The man that chose the perfect ring size on instinct.

What I don’t deserve is the boy that he turned into five – six weeks ago. The man who began withdrawing and telling me that he never actually wanted to get married, telling me that the honeymoon period was over, that we didn’t get along anymore. That he didn’t want to miss out on travelling more, living in New Zealand and Canada. The man who became selfish and thought only of himself and what he might miss out on; the man  who backed down from his promises and plans with me. He refused to acknowledge that he had withdrawn, that he was not open with me, that he was no longer honest with me. I don’t deserve that and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me.

I deserve someone who will talk to and with me and tell me what is going on and how he is feeling. I don’t deserve someone that discusses our relationship with practical strangers, letting them sway him away from me. I deserve someone that respects and trusts me and won’t let strangers speak poorly of me, especially without having ever met me.

I don’t deserve to be told that I was trying to ‘trap him’ by wanting to get married. By wanting a commitment from the man I loved. I asked him what he said to this stranger when she said this – ‘nothing’. I asked what he had told her to make her say that I was trapping him. He didn’t seem to understand the question or even the far reaching affects of this. He was not respecting me and he no longer trusted me. Because of a stranger.

I deserve someone who trusts me when I say that I’m pregnant. I deserve someone who is excited to be having a child with me and will offer me unwavering support and love. I don’t deserve someone who speaks again with that stranger,  telling her that I’m pregnant, who responds by ‘laughing her head off’, causing him to think I’m lying. I don’t deserve someone who demands I take the ‘piss test in front of him’. I deserve someone who won’t disrespect me and then threaten to tell my family about a pregnancy in its earliest stage. Who then says that so long as I admit to it, he won’t tell anyone and we can forget about it.

It was almost four weeks ago that I found out I was pregnant, and that is how my partner responded. I can understand the initial shock – this was not planned. I was in shock as well and had no idea where to go or what to do next. But simply because girls had ‘pulled this on him in the past’ I was immediately compared to them, even though I was apparently someone he trusted a billion per cent and someone whom he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have met me. I don’t deserve to be compared to disrespectful, cheap ex-girlfriends. I am a 33 year old woman who is independent, financially supporting herself and has no reason to lie about something as remarkable and wondrous as a child. About a baby growing inside me. A baby we had talked about having, who he was so looking forward to taking to AFL and NRL games. A baby he wanted to raise in Melbourne and couldn’t believe his luck at the possibility of this future.

I deserve someone who loves me for me and will let me love them for them. I deserve someone who will squeeze and hold and embrace me like there is no tomorrow. I deserve to have a baby with someone who trusts, respects and believes me and in the baby we will create together.

 

 

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Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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