Looking Forward To…

The struggles of looking forward to anything

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At the moment I’m really struggling with looking forward to anything. I spent May and June planning a future, a life, with someone. I was looking forward to a wedding, theatre shows, concerts, a family Christmas and eventually a year overseas. All these wonderful things that I’d be sharing with someone special. A future I hadn’t thought would ever happen to me.

Then three weeks ago, I discovered something; something truly wonderful yet difficult to believe. I found out I was pregnant. This was unexpected, unplanned and anything else ‘un’. I’m 33 and have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was told that I should be able to fall pregnant naturally, but it might take some time. I didn’t believe this and honestly thought that I’d need some medical intervention. However, I fell pregnant naturally. I really struggled to believe it and took three pregnancy tests. I even researched what could result in a false positive – surely this was a mistake. However, they weren’t false positives. I was absolutely pregnant.

Due to having PCOS, my GP referred me to get a dating scan so we could get an accurate timeline. I had to wait for a week and a half to ensure I was far enough along to get precise details. I was looking forward to this day; this day would make it real and I could truly believe that I had a little someone growing inside me.

Finally the day arrived – we went to get the scan and after lots of pictures and measurements and very little chatter, we were told the dreadful news. “I’m sorry, but we’re unable to detect a heartbeat.”

We were shuffled off to the genetic counsellor’s room and given more info, info that didn’t sink in. I was told words I couldn’t comprehend, didn’t want to hear or believe. This thing inside me that was only supposed to become real on that very day was now being taken away from me.

So right now, I’m not looking forward to a wedding, theatre shows, concerts, a family Christmas and eventually a year overseas. I can’t even look forward to a safe and healthy pregnancy. Instead, I’m looking forward to having a day where I don’t cry, where I don’t ask why, where I don’t feel sad at every moment. A day where I’ll accept that I’ll never have answers but can look back on the good things and smile. I’m looking forward to looking forward to something.

Author: Laura

In my 30s, simply working my way or travelling my way through it.

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